Where to begin...

Mason is turning 1 soon. I think back on the last year and sometimes it seems as though I am recalling someone else's life...did this all happen to ME? Its weird how when you are going through something traumatic in life you seem to function on auto pilot. You roll with the punches and keep your eye on that light at the end of the tunnel. For some of us we never get there but luckily for us we did and that light is shining bright. In the end we took our son home. We wake up every morning and kiss his sweet forehead, read him books and listen to the sweet sound of his giggle as we tickle he little feet. Our life might be totally different then we ever pictured it to be but as a whole we have everything we ever wanted. We have 3 beautiful children, an amazing marriage, wonderful friends and most importantly, we have each other.
It is only now that most of the chaos is over that I sit and really think about the last year. I only allow myself to relive bits and pieces. I think If I really took it all in it would be just too much to bare. The day we found Mason had a broken heart we were told to "go home and grieve". At the time I thought we were being told to say goodbye to him. Now I realize what they really were telling me. I have lost something. I have lost what I always thought was "a normal life". I have to say goodbye not to my son but to the life I once had. I have to come to terms with the fact that Mason will never be "normal". He will always have to worry about his health and he will spend way too many days of his life in a hospital. I AM grieving and that process is slow.
I find myself getting caught up in it every once in a while. I think about the fact that at any moment God could take him back. Let me tell you...If you don't have a sick child you will never understand that feeling and I hope you never do. It is TERRIBLE! Every cough, runny nose, sneeze or cut could be the beginning of the end. It makes me CRAZY! I know that in time his immune system will get stronger and once he gets his next (3rd) open heart surgery his heart will be less vulnerable. Time hopefully WILL heal. But for now he is fragile. He has a non-functioning spleen so any cut or scratch could turn into a Staph infection very quickly. His heart and lungs are weak so any cold could easily turn into phenomena. If his heart struggles his lungs will struggle and visa verse. We were told he WILL need a heart transplant at some point in his life but we need to keep his lungs safe to avoid the possibility of a heart and double lung transplant. If it ever got to that it would NOT be good! I worry about sickness and germs everyday but I also remind myself that I can't keep him in a bubble. That is not living. I do what I can to keep him safe but I also let him be a kid. I take him to the park, let him swing on the swings, ride in the grocery cart (after I purell it) and crawl on the floor. A little bit of germs is a good thing...or so I've been told. We don't know what the future will bring but what we do know is that the now is wonderful.